You guys,
After eighteen months my memoir is getting closer to completion. I don’t want to kid myself and say it’s ready to be published (especially after my conversation with Joanna Rakoff in which she stressed the importance of patience when writing a book). I want it to be great, and that means more rewrites, but it feels like it’s at least close to what I want it to be.
Four months ago I shared a breakdown of the first half of the book if each chapter title was a Taylor swift song.
If the chapter titles in the second half of my book were a playlist, it would be a mixtape of Mike Posner and Tones And I and I would call it Figure It Out:
10/11: It’s A Matter Of Time (MP)
12: Dance With Me (T&I)
13: I Get High (T&I)
14: Dark Waters (T&I)
15: Lonely (T&I)
16: Cloudy Day (T&I)
17: Prince Akeem (MP)
18: Be As You Are (MP)
19: Come Home (MP)
20: Beautiful Day (MP)
—
Chapter 10/11: It’s A Matter Of Time (MP)
When Sam and I were in the honeymoon phase of our relationship, we went on a trip to Napa Valley with all his friends who I didn’t know, and one of my closest friends, Sasha.
I’d been working on my relationship with drinking and told Sasha beforehand how I’d been cutting back, but in Napa I let go of my improvements and drank excessively.
When we returned home, Sasha let me know, in so many words, that I had embarrassed myself. It turned into a huge argument, in which Sam and other friends agreed that Sasha was out of line and I didn’t do anything wrong.
And I don't know how
You believe your own lies
No one wants to tell you the truth
It's just a matter of time
Before this all comes crashing down
The harder you try
The more we can see the real you
The real, real you
I knew, deep down, that Sasha was right—that my drinking was out of hand.
Chapter 12: Dance With Me (T&I)
Sometimes a song just makes me want to dance in front of the mirror and lip sync. This song always gets me moving, and this chapter is when I discovered some play and joy in my life when I moved into an apartment by myself, away from my life in LA, and started making rope light signs.
I had no idea why I felt so compelled to make these large wooden signs with rope light zip tied in place in the shape of a word (I still have Jolly and Lumos hanging in my house). I expected to start a lucrative business with my new Etsy shop but I didn’t make any sales.
It didn’t matter, though. I was having so much fun. This chapter was about finding the fun again.
Oh, won't you dance with me, dance with me?
Don't wanna hear it, just feel it all alone and dancing to all of my feelings
I've been up dancing alone, up dancing all night
Chapter 13: I Get High (T&I)
I finally had one epic sale, and what made it so epic was that it happened in the company of my two favorite people who were meeting for the first time—my then-boyfriend, Sam, and my best friend, Kylie. The best way to describe the way I felt after we sold one of my rope light signs on the Venice Beach boardwalk was that I felt high.
When I looked up the meaning behind this song it felt even more appropriate. In an interview, Tones and I expressed that the song is “about the nostalgia of growing up with friends and the magic of those shared experiences.”
The magic of shared experiences indeed.
You just got that something that just makes me feel alive
You just got that special feel that sets my heart on fire
When you hold my hand and look me deep into my eyes
I'll get high, I get high
Chapter 14: Dark Waters (T&I)
We all have things we’re ashamed of—or at the very least embarrassed by—from our pasts, but this chapter was my darkest moment, not just because there were two shameful events back-to-back, but because I was thirty-two years old when they occurred. I was too old to be getting in trouble for drinking.
I get lost sometimes, I get lost sometimes
But if you ask, I say I'm doing just fine
On those days, on those days
On most, on those days, on bad days
I got no peace of mind, got no peace of mind
…
I feel like I've been lost forever
Yeah, I feel like I've been lost at sea
And don't you try to find me
'Cause the tide has pulled me deep
Chapter 15: Lonely (T&I)
My food struggles were always something I kept to myself. I felt so alone with them: the obsessive, all-day-long, all-consuming thoughts of what I would eat, what I could eat, what time I would eat, how many calories I’d have left over for the end of the day, before bed, when I needed a snack more than anything else. No one could possibly understand what I was going through.
Why am I so damn lonely?
Am I the only one who feels this way?
Why am I so damn reckless?
I can't shake this
I am not okay
Of course, I was not alone. Lots of people feel or have felt some version of what I was feeling. But it wasn’t until I had moved in with Sam that he finally saw the me I kept hidden from everyone—the addict-like tendencies around eating before bed.
After Sam saw it, I blogged about it, and suddenly, I didn’t feel so lonely anymore.
Chapter 16: Cloudy Day (T&I)
It was a scary, terrible moment when I discovered that my life ambition—my dream of becoming a famous screenwriter—was dead. I just one day realized I wasn’t good at screenwriting and I didn’t even enjoy it.
But I needed for that to happen in order to find my next thing, and each next thing would eventually lead to the right thing.
But your momma always said,
"Look up into the sky
Find the sun on a cloudy day"
Chapter 17: Prince Akeem (MP)
One day I was on a Zoom call with about eighty other people when a guest speaker guided us through a visualization exercise to encounter our future wise self.
I looked around at everyone else on the screen and stifled an eye roll before I followed orders and closed my eyes.
What came next was a very clear vision of my future wise self, dressed in hunter green by the pool, drinking a clear drink in a rocks glass that I knew, upon seeing her across the way, was not alcohol. My future wise self did not drink.
My present self has still not caught up to my future wise self but I am always moving towards the woman in hunter green.
I'm not a commodity, I am on an Odyssey
Used to be a wannabe, now I'm what I wanted to be, woo!
I'm a underdog, dog, I'm Ralph Naderin'
Followin' my intuition now and that's a major win
Chapter 18: Be As You Are (MP)
Charlie Bleecker was born in 2020, when I joined a writing course and decided that in order to write the way I wanted to write, I had to do so under a pseudonym. Charlie allowed me to finally say some things I always wanted to say. I felt like I could be my real self.
Life is not always a comfortable ride
Everybody's got scars that they hide
And everybody plays the fool sometimes, yeah
Just be as you are
Chapter 19: Come Home (MP)
In the prologue of my memoir I steal a prescription bottle of Adderall from Sasha.
Five years later and one year after I’d been writing as Charlie I could no longer keep it a secret. I called her and confessed, and then I wrote an essay about it.
I'm tryna stumble to a truer view
I'm noticing the sky is a bluer hue
It's time to get to work, that's what doers do
I'm looking in the mirror, like "Who are you?"
Chapter 20: Beautiful Day (MP)
I still have a Jimmy Fallon fantasy. It has evolved over the years. No longer have I won an Oscar for Best Supporting Female Actor or Best Original Screenplay. Now I’m there for my bestselling book, which has been adapted into a movie starring Anna Kendrick.
When I walk out onto the stage, and step in front of the faded blue curtain, The Roots play Beautiful Day by Mike Posner. As I dance-walk towards Jimmy, I lip sync my favorite lyrics:
The old way wasn't workin'
I gotta put that work in
I know I'm far from perfect
But it's time for a change
—
The album title, Figure It Out is a song by Tones And I that didn’t perfectly fit a chapter but does perfectly encapsulate my entire outlook on life.
And it took a little time for me to figure out
That I'm never really ever gonna figure it out
…
I hope someday that I'll look back and smile
I just needed a little time
I just needed a little time
Everything is funny in hindsight. All of it makes me smile. I am never going to figure it out, but I’m going to keep trying.
—
Until next week,
Charlie
For your listening pleasure:
Amazing work! Keep going!! 💪
This makes me so excited for your book!