Call Me Charlie

Issue 260

You guys,

I’m one of the new Taylor Swift fans. An obsessed bandwagon Swiftie. Last April I had a calendar notification in my phone for when her new album was released, and I listened to it on repeat for eight months, until November when one morning I pressed play on the kitchen Sonos speaker and Sam said, “No more Taylor Swift,” and I put on Christmas music instead.

There’s always a mood for Taylor. I listen to her in the kitchen when I’m cooking, in the garage when I’m working out, and in the car, as loud as it will go, when Sam is not with me. For a while I’d listen to her music and a song would remind me of a chapter in the book I’m writing. Then another song reminded me of another chapter. This went on until I realized I could make a whole Taylor Swift playlist out of the first eight chapters. So I did.

If the chapter titles in the first half of my book were a Taylor Swift playlist I’d call it Anti-Hero and it would go like this:

1. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

2. Cruel Summer

3. Style

4. Anti-Hero

5. The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

6. I Hate It Here

7. It’s Time To Go

8. Everything Has Changed

—

Chapter 1: We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

This one goes out to my ex-boyfriend of eight years, Mark. It’s about us and our big cross-country move from Jersey to LA.

Ugh... so he calls me up and he's like, “I still love you,”

And I'm like... “I just... I mean this is exhausting, you know, like

We are never getting back together. Like, ever”

Not mentioned in the book was my 30th birthday, which occurred three months after our breakup, when I was no longer sad and as a matter of fact was ecstatic about my new single status. I flew back to Jersey and my mom threw me a backyard birthday party with balloons, cake, and beer pong tables. I wore a white dress. At around 8:00 P.M. I did an outfit change and came back outside in a black floral dress. There are pictures.

Most notably at said birthday party was a lip sync contest. Guests were encouraged in advance to sign up for the competition and let my sister know which song and which time stamp of the song they wanted to perform. Besides myself and my best friend Kylie there were only two other contestants. Everyone performed one song except me. I think I did five. One was, We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, which I had been listening to on repeat for two months. It was my grand finale. A message to everyone in my backyard in case anyone thought there was any chance of me and Mark getting back together. No, you can’t watch the video. I can barely watch it.

Chapter 2: Cruel Summer

This one’s for Brad, my first fling after Mark. I promised myself I’d be cool. I promised myself I wouldn’t get attached.

I'm drunk in the back of the car

And I cried like a baby comin’ home from the bar

Said, “I'm fine,” but it wasn't true

It definitely wasn’t true. I definitely wasn’t fine. Brad ended our relationship—aka late-night hook-ups—over a slice of pie. He told me I’d just been in a long relationship and I wasn’t ready.

Chapter 3: Style

You know how some songs bring you back to a very specific time in your life? After my first breakup with Mark it was Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol and Wreck of the Day by Anna Nalick. Fine, it was her whole album, cry-singing with the volume as high as it would go in my car.

This song, Style, played all year long in 2015, after I met Ethan. I listened to it as I drove the streets of Santa Monica in my black Honda Civic with the windows rolled down. I decided that Ethan and I were the characters in the song. Me as Taylor Swift with her red lips even though the closest thing I wore to lipstick was cherry ChapStick, and Ethan who I only ever remember wearing white T-shirts.

'Cause you got that James Dean daydream look in your eye

And I got that red lip classic thing that you like

…

You got that long hair, slicked back, white T-shirt

In an early draft of this chapter I wrote that Ethan had a “smiley smile,” but in a later chapter, when I met Sam, I wrote that Sam had a “smiley smile,” too. My editor, Michael Dean, noted this, and correctly suggested that I might not want to describe a fling and my husband in the same way. I didn’t know what to change it to until I listened to this song, and then Ethan’s smile became a “James Dean smile.”

Chapter 4: Anti-Hero

My acting dream died after I acted in a short film with four of my girlfriends. They played sexy dangerous women, very Tarantino-esque with gorgeous hair and makeup, while I played a college student in jeans and a sweatshirt who the women kidnapped, held at gunpoint, and punched in the face.

Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby

And I'm a monster on the hill

Really I could use this song for any chapter—that’s why it’s the title of the playlist. I’m the anti-hero. Will you root for me? Please?

Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism

Like some kind of congressman?

…

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me

Chapter 5: The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

The chapter about John. My most toxic relationship.

Was any of it true?

Gazing at me starry-eyed

…

I would've died for your sins

Instead, I just died inside

…

You kicked out the stage lights

But you're still performing

…

And in plain sight you hid

But you are what you did

It was not difficult to write this chapter but it was difficult to go back to that time in my life. I’ve been sending Sam chapters as I write them, and this was his favorite.

Chapter 6: I Hate It Here

My rock bottom. My dark night of the soul. This is the chapter when everything falls apart. Dumped, excessive drinking, excessive drugs, I stopped writing.

In previous chapters I mentioned a recurring fantasy of mine where I’m a guest on Jimmy Fallon, but in this chapter I go into great detail about that fantasy. In this chapter it’s all I have left.

I hate it here so I will go to

secret gardens in my mind

…

and in my fantasies I rise above it

And way up there, I actually love it

Chapter 7: It’s Time To Go

I knew the bar where I worked, The Masonry, was not good for me but I loved it anyway. It’s where I met my people, my family in California. We looked out for each other and loved each other and enabled each other. I could not stay. I had to stop working there. I had to leave LA.

You know when it's time to go

… Sometimes givin' up is the strong thing

Sometimes to run is the brave thing

Sometimes walkin' out is the one thing

That will find you the right thing

Chapter 8: Everything Has Changed

I go to Mexico! I meet Sam! Every memoir needs a section about their person if they find each other within its timeline. Sam gets a whole chapter because, Sam.

All I knew

This morning when I woke

Is I know something now

Know something now I didn't before

And all I've seen

Since eighteen hours ago

Is green brown eyes and freckles and your smile

In the back of my mind making me feel like

I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now

…

I just wanna know you, know you, know you

'Cause all I know is we said, “Hello”

And your eyes look like comin’ home

I strained to come up with Taylor Swift songs for the rest of the chapters in the book and finally realized it only worked for the first half because after I met Sam there was no more boy drama, and by boy drama I mean me drama. I’m the problem, it’s me… remember?

This makes it seem like my memoir is all about men, but I promise it’s only one of four themes in the book, which include my relationship with food, my relationships with drugs and alcohol, and my biggest theme in the book—writing.

Writing was, and always has been, the answer. Sometimes Taylor Swift is the answer, too.

—

Until next week,

Charlie

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For your listening pleasure:

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