Transparent Tuesdays

Issue 251

NANNY WANTED

We are seeking a nanny who loves to hang out with kids and speaks to them like they’re people.

About Us:

We are a frantic couple with two children—sometimes adorable, sometimes not—aged 3 and 4, located in coastal North Carolina. Our family values are as follows:

1. We return the grocery carts

2. We look people in the eyes

3. We tell the truth

4. We cheer each other on

5. We do hard things

Both of us work from home so at least one of us will be around if you need a bathroom break or have a question or if we hear a kid crying for more than sixty seconds.

Sam is an investor and will spend most of the time in his office, head down in company research. I’m a writer, currently writing a memoir, and will either be in my office or in my bedroom. I will check in with you periodically. Bonus if you like to have long conversations about your life ambitions and struggles. I’m here for it, as long as the kids are occupied.

Because Sam and I are so high-strung it would be nice if you balanced that with a more calm, less-reactive demeanor, but if you’re high energy that’s fine, too, as long as you’re not annoying.

Job Responsibilities:

1. Keep the kids busy, entertained, or focused. Our daughter will be mostly content as long as you let her cover you in stuffed animals and blankets and read her books. It is our son who needs a more hands-on approach, and that means games, imaginative play, and physical work. You can let him make some decisions but not all. He needs rules, parameters of play, and instruction.

2. Keep the kids—namely George—away from our office doors. We have often had wonderfully well-meaning nannies who sit in the living room and gently coax my son with light, unspecific suggestions to “come play.” That doesn’t work. The reason he is banging on our doors is because he’s bored—see Job Responsibility #1.

3. Get the kids outside, weather permitting, even if it's just for fifteen minutes. Be aware that there are no sidewalks on our block. You cannot stand in the front yard while the kids play in the street. I would prefer not to imagine you running into the house, screaming that you need help because one of my children has just been hit by a car.

4. There will be some moderating when the kids have disagreements, like if George is clutching a stack of square Magnatiles that Layla wants. We encourage them to talk to each other, tell the other what they want, and ask nicely. If they can’t figure out a solution you can decide the solution and explain why. You can also redirect, so that they can more easily move on.

5. Acknowledge—and don’t dismiss—the kids’ statements. If George says he doesn’t like something, don’t respond with, “Sure you do.” Even if it is something you have all decided to do, like playing in the driveway with sidewalk chalk, you can still say something like, “You don’t like this? Okay, I get that, but we already decided we were going to do this, so let’s play here for five minutes and then we can do something else.”

Requirements:

• No T.V.

• No phone, as a general rule, but we understand if you need to check something. And if you go outside with the kids we’d prefer you have it on you.

• No baby talk. Only human talk.

• Be on time. We are expecting you. We are waiting for you. We have a countdown until you arrive. Five minutes late is not on time.

• Do not complain about being tired or overworked.

• I’m fairly easy to talk to but please don’t tell me about your social life if it involves you getting drunk. One time I asked a nanny if she got a new phone and she told me that yes, she did, because over the weekend she dropped it in the bar’s toilet. Another time I asked how she got that bruise on her knee. I regretted it as soon as I asked.

• I don’t know what the deal is with this generation but ghosting us is not cool. I have been left hanging after I’ve sent texts like, Are you available next Saturday? …. Are you still available to babysit? …. Did you get a chance to look at your schedule yet? Once, we had a nanny who was with our family for over two years (she had an entire page of pictures in my daughter’s baby book) and on the last time I saw her she told me, unprompted, that if anything were to happen to me and my husband, she would want to take our kids as her own. She left our house and never responded to my texts after that. I should admit here that my husband tells me that I ghost nannies all the time—because I don’t ask them to come back—but I have never ignored a question in a text. Perhaps my approach is still cowardly. Perhaps I should send a text that it’s not a good fit. Perhaps I should list the reasons why, like, for example, my son just doesn’t respond well to you—which is usually the case.

Compensation and Benefits:

We typically pay $20 an hour but if you’re good, and you keep the kids engaged and occupied and you get their snacks and lunches ready and clean up before you leave, we’re happy to pay $25 an hour.

References:

I don’t need any. I know that if I call the people on your list they will tell me you’re great, and I have yet to figure out the right questions to ask to find out what I need to know.

Let me give you my references. Heather and Rachel were two nannies who worked for us and both of them taught us how to be better parents. Heather came first, when George was only eight months old. She showed me how a calm and present presence could impact George. At the time, he screamed every time I changed his diaper. He never made a peep when Heather did. Rachel came later, when George was nearly 2 years old. After the first day she watched him, I tentatively asked her how it went and she said, “Being two must be really hard.” It was the first time I thought about life from my son’s perspective.

Anticipated Start Date:

How about this Saturday? 8:30am-12:30pm??