Transparent Tuesdays

Issue 175

Mom,

Hi. I’m writing you a letter, which is weird and formal, but I find it difficult to say things out loud to you without getting jumbled and flustered and suddenly having no idea why I thought I was ever upset in the first place. 

It’s nothing bad, everything’s fine, I swear! But the longer it goes on the worse I feel, so this letter is a way to get things off my chest without worrying, anticipating, or gauging your response in real time.

As you know, I’ve been writing under a pseudonym for 3+ years. The reason I started writing under a different name was because I wanted the freedom to talk about anything I wanted to talk about, like my relationship with food and body image, past drug use, years of blacking out drunk, and yes, relationships with my family and friends. Over time, it’s evolved into much more than that. I write about tiny struggles, too, like the one time I opened my car door and hit the car door of the woman parked next to me and she saw me and then started yelling at me and taking a video (I know, it was insane), or I’ll share a silly story, like the time I was sitting on the couch and a cockroach FLEW at my head (seriously flew! Ew!). Or I might rant about something I’m judgmental about, like how I think baby showers are stupid (don’t even get me started on gender reveals). 

I write about everything, and it feels REALLY good, and I plan to continue doing it for a long time. It’s not that I don’t want you to read it. Everything I write, I assume will eventually be read by everyone I’ve written about. But I don’t want to be weighed down by thoughts of what friends and family members might think of me. Selfishly, I know what I’ve written might lead to some hard conversations, and I’m scared of how those will go, or if they will even happen at all. I have no problem being vulnerable and honest in my writing, but in real life, I kind of suck at it. 

The reason this is eating at me is because I constantly feel I need to defend myself and prove myself to you and everyone who doesn’t know how committed I am to writing online. I’ve never been so sure of my purpose until now. I was never a good actor. I wasn’t good at screenwriting, either. But personal writing is what I’m meant to do. 

I’m struggling because I want to keep my pseudonym a secret but I also want to feel supported by you. I know you’re probably not asking me questions because you think I don’t want you to but it actually just feels like you don’t care, and then I feel like you think I’m not doing anything with my life. There was even one time you did ask me about my writing and I froze. You said something like, “So when do we get to read your writing?” I was so appreciative that you asked but I didn’t know how to act or what to say, so I averted my eyes and said something super lame like, “I don’t know,” and then the moment was over. 

I dread face-to-face family interactions and imagine hypothetical confrontations where I have to defend myself without having anything to show for it. When I talk about what I’m doing, even though it’s the truth it feels like a lie. 

Eventually, I’ll reveal my pseudonym and you can read all of it, if you want to. In the meantime, I would like to talk about my writing and what I’m up to. It’s not all secretive. Sure, I write about family relationships sometimes, but not all the time. 

Also, I’m going to write a book someday, and there will be lots of stories included from my past — and therefore your past — and I’d love your help getting some of those details hammered out. 

Anyway, the real reason I couldn’t say this over the phone is because I would cry, and then I wouldn’t say anything at all. I feel ridiculous writing this because I know you’re going to say, “Of course I support you,” and “Of course I know you’re doing something with your life,” which is why I won’t actually send you this letter, and will instead share it in my newsletter. 

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Bleecker Bombs

A new podcast episode is out!

I had a conversation with Alex Dobrenko and couldn’t stop laughing. Dude is funny. 

Listen to the episode on overcast.fm, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or Google Podcasts.

If you’re not already subscribed to Alex’s newsletter, subscribe here. And if you’re able to upgrade to the paid subscription, please do it because he’s desperate for paid subscribers and will do pretty much whatever you want if you just throw a little money at him.

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Until next week,

Charlie