You guys,
Having a baby will not strengthen your marriage. It will test it.
When the baby comes in, the intimacy goes out. There’s no more date nights or wine nights or foot rubs. You're lucky if you get a snuggle.
The patience you used to have for your loved one wears thin. How could it not? Neither of you are sleeping. If it’s your first child you have no idea what you’re doing and every decision feels monumental. If it’s your second child you divide and conquer and both of you need a break from whichever kid you’re in charge of. If it’s your third kid, God bless you.
Some days are darker than others.
My girlfriend Amy and her husband are in a similar boat as me and Sam — they just had their second child. Amy was beaten down last week and shared that she and her husband had a really bad fight. She admitted, “I didn’t think we were going to make it.”
There’s no darker place than when your mind starts going to the “D” word.
I never think Sam and I will get divorced. But when we’re in the middle of an argument and I’m feeling stubborn and defensive, I sit in my nursery chair at 3am, in and out of consciousness, and think back to our wedding vows. I think we said something about “in good times and bad.”
I didn’t realize parenting children would be some of the bad times, but it sure as hell is.
I’d be lying if I said Amy’s admission didn’t make me feel better. It hasn’t exactly been a picnic over here. One day for about 10 hours Sam and I somehow managed to parent both our little ones without speaking a word to each other. Okay, we spoke a few words but we definitely didn’t make eye contact.
Eventually, we did speak. We got back on the same team. We told each other, “I love you.” We meant it.
If you’re planning on raising a child with another person, your relationship better have a sturdy, unshakeable foundation. So that when you get to the other side you can look back together and laugh and say, “Remember when we almost killed each other?”
Because that’s what parenting does. It tests your marriage.
Essay of the Week
Turns out my best quality is actually my worst quality.
I finally started reading the book, The Courage To Be Disliked, and it made me realize that my ability to make others feel comfortable is really just my desire to make people like me.
Ew.
So I asked myself, What does it mean to be my authentic self? And tried to answer that question with this week’s essay.
We Did It
George started daycare yesterday. Every time I imagined dropping him off, I saw him sobbing and begging us to not abandon him.
But I was the only one crying. He didn’t even notice we were gone.
On the car ride home I anxiously checked my phone, waiting for one of his teachers to send us a photo to let us know he was doing okay.
When I got home the house felt eerily quiet.
Five minutes later it felt wonderfully quiet. We received a photo from the teacher. George rode around on a little blue scooter as he smiled at the camera.
Ten minutes later I decided daycare was the best decision ever.
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Until next week,
Charlie