Transparent Tuesdays

Issue 4

Apr 14, 2020

Surprise!

I’ve taken the plunge to publish weekly instead of bi-weekly. Is it all that much of a plunge? No, but I have a fear of overcommitting to things. If I under-commit, I can overdeliver.

I think it stems from a past of saying yes to things that I didn’t actually want to do. Like when I was nominated to produce a short film because I’m SO organized and reliable. I felt special and important that the collective group thought I was the perfect person for the job, but the actual responsibilities were overwhelming. I spent months in a state of elevated anxiety. It might have taken a year off my life.

Now when I’m asked to commit to things, I ask myself, “Do I really want to do this, or am I saying yes because I want to make other people happy?” I hate to let people down, but I hate even more to not give 100%.

With the newsletter, I don’t want to let you, the readers, down. I have a fear that if I publish weekly, I eventually won’t have anything interesting to say. I also fear that come August when this baby arrives, my world will be flipped upside down and I’ll have no time for it!

But I absolutely love it. It gives me purpose and joy. I shouldn’t let fear hold me back. If there are challenges along the way, I can address them as they come.

Thanks for being here for the ride. I always look forward to and value your feedback!

Flipping the ovary switch

Trying to get pregnant after 20 years of trying to not get pregnant is a total mind fuck.

Here’s how it went for me.

And now that I am pregnant, can you please stop asking me to send a picture of my baby bump? The answer is no.

Easter Sunday

I’m the middle of five kids. I get along well with the younger twins, Stephanie and Jessica, but don’t have the greatest relationship with my older brother and sister, Jim and Alexis. I haven’t even spoken to Jim since December, but tomorrow is Easter and my mom wants to have a family Zoom call.

Here’s our text thread:

Jessica: Hey, mom and dad want to zoom tomorrow, when is a good time for everyone

Jim: Fuck zoom.

Jessica: Okay, thank you for your input.

Me: I just have calls 2-3 and 4-5.

Jessica: Will noon work?

Jim: I also have teleconference meetings from 12-2 and 3-4.

Jessica: So that’s a no… 11?

Jim: That’s too early.

Jim: I do not actually have any teleconference meetings on Easter Sunday.

Jessica: I hate you.

Jim: And really zoom?

Jessica: What’s wrong with zoom

Jim: (sends article titled: “Zoom is Malware”)

Jim: Duo is better.

---

I am dreading this call. My brother has to make everything so difficult. I do the thing where I plan how it will go in my head and I imagine him being a dick, because he usually is. Then I get all worked up thinking about how I’ll respond.

I remind myself of a quote from The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer:

“Getting involved in the darkness does not dispel darkness; it feeds it.”

I know it does me no good to go down these rabbit holes of worst case scenarios. Every time I try to plan my reaction to something that Jim might say, I am feeding the darkness.

This book has helped me come so far in my mental well-being and relationships with people, but when it comes to my family, I always revert back to my old defensive and impatient ways. I know that when Jim says something rude, that I shouldn’t let it get to me. I know that he has his own insecurities and the only way he feels comfortable communicating is by putting other people down to make himself feel smart. I know that I should head Singer’s advice and let go:

“It just takes a moment of conscious effort to decide that you're not going there. You just let go. It's simply a matter of taking the risk that you are better off letting go than going with the energy.”

But I don’t know how to let go. Sometimes I think I’m doing it, and then realize that I’ve actually just shut down. I don’t want to react so I try my best to completely ignore him. What I should really do is just not let it get to me.

The call doesn’t happen. No one is organizing it and I’m not downloading another program just to make my brother happy. I suggest we all call Mom individually. Jessica is pissed at me and Alexis definitely thinks I’m being rude, but I have a lovely conversation with my mom. She tells me that Jim didn’t want to do the call, anyway (no shit).

I call Jessica later that night and apologize for giving her a hard time (I made fun of her over text that she wasn’t doing a very good job of organizing this family call.)

I have no idea the next time I’ll see Jim. Probably not in 2020 and that’s fine by me.

But we all have our family stuff, right?

Happy Easter. :)

Writing Rules

I’ve thrown so many writing rules out the window.

Like starting a sentence with a preposition. Or writing fragments as sentences. I don’t care too much about the use of double or single quotations (although I recently read that the only time to use singles is when it’s a quote within a quote), but certain rules are ingrained.

Here are some of my pet peeves:

Numbers: Unless it’s a list, a title, a kid’s age, or a range, numbers 1-9 should ALWAYS be written out as words (one, two, three…). Anything over 10 should be written numerically. I recently finished a writing course and read so many of my fellow writers’ essays. At first, I would make the appropriate corrections, but eventually I had to throw my hands up in the air because not a single piece I read followed this rule. Has this changed with blogging, similar to the double space becoming a single space after a period?
Between you and me: That is correct. It is NOT between you and I. Here’s what I think happened: in middle school, we all said “me” for everything, all the time. Our teachers got fed up with us. They were constantly correcting us to use “I.” Kids got sick of being yelled at, so they over-corrected, and now everyone says “I” all the time, whether it’s right or not. It’s actually quite simple: take the other person out of the sentence. This is not a stylistic choice. It’s either right or wrong.
First Annual: There’s no such thing. An event cannot be called annual until it has already happened once, so you can’t call it annual until at least the second year. Sure, you can plan for it to happen again, but you just don’t know for sure if it will. It would be like announcing LAST week that I was publishing weekly instead of bi-weekly. That would have been a lie, or at best, a promise.

I’m not sure how I’ve decided that it’s acceptable to break some rules and not others. I’m very curious to know what you think. Am I right? Or do I need to get over myself? How do we know which rules evolve and which rules are set in stone?

I’m an idiot

I thought this broadcaster was actually an improv genius. Sam had to let me know that this video was obviously taken first, THEN Andrew Cotter dubbed the commentary afterwards.

Still, I wonder how long it took him to write it. Very funny and very impressive.