You guys,
I haven’t drank alcohol in 11 days but who’s counting.
It’s been fairly easy because I haven’t really craved it. Even if I do have that fleeting moment of, “A glass of wine sounds good right about now,” I quickly remember that the bad effects feel much worse than the good effects feel good and it’s not worth it.
But also, I’m feeling super anxious and some days even a little depressed.
I thought eliminating alcohol would fix a lot of my problems. I would sleep better, have more energy and focus, be more productive, and feel all-around happier and less stressed out. But I feel, in some ways, worse? And on top of all that, I don’t even get to look forward to my two glasses of wine!
Drinking has always been the carrot. It’s always been something deserved, celebratory, exciting. What do I have to look forward to at the end of my day now? Where is my carrot?
Lately it’s been Jimmy Fallon Tonight Dough ice cream which is literally the most perfect ice cream and if it’s ever discontinued I’ll have to write a letter. I savor every bite (especially the chocolate cookie crumble pieces), and I love even more getting into bed completely sober. Because even when I sleep like crap, which is pretty much every night, I still wake up feeling better than if I drank two glasses of wine.
So I’ve got my carrot, but I still have anxiety, nightmares, and poor sleep. What gives?
I know what you’re going to say: First of all, Charlie, it’s only been 11 days. You need to be sober for a while before you start to feel good.
I get that. But I didn’t drink for nine months while I was pregnant with both my kids and I didn’t have this much anxiety. So maybe the anxiety has less to do with the actual alcohol being eliminated from my system and more to do with the expectation that not drinking will fix everything and make me a happier, calmer, better person.
Second of all, Charlie, stop eating so much goddamn ice cream right before bed. You think alcohol is poison?? Meet sugar.
Okay, I hear you.
Day Date
Stand-up paddle boarding is the perfect activity. It’s outside, on the water, a little bit physical but not too exhausting. What could be better?
Sam and I snuck away one morning and left the kids with the nanny for two hours. As soon as I started paddling, I felt a tightening in my chest as if we were competing in a race. I got the sense I was trying as hard as I could but barely moving forward, and that Sam would’ve preferred to be going much faster but I was slowing him down. Also, are there sharks in here??
Sam looked around and commented on the perfectness of our date. The warm temperature and cool breeze, the birds in the sky, the sun gleaming off the water. He pointed to different houses along our route and commented on the style, color, roofs, anything, and asked my opinion, as we like to daydream about a house on the beach someday.
How was I supposed to enjoy the view and take in the sights when I was paddling for my life over here? I kept telling myself, “This is fun. This is supposed to be fun. Relax and have fun, Charlie.”
I think I like the idea of stand-up paddle boarding. It’s something I should enjoy.
How many things in my life seem awesome on paper but don’t make me feel alive and confident and myself?
Probably a lot.
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Until next week,
Charlie