Transparent Tuesdays

Issue 241

You guys,

I don’t want to pet your dog. I don’t care how friendly he is. My hands are clean and I’d like them to stay that way. Whether he sheds or not, one stroke of his back and a thin film of dog gets stuck there until I wash my hands. 

Being a Goldendoodle owner does not excuse you from using a leash. I’m not sure how many times my son can scream as your dog approaches before you get the hint. “Oh he’s the sweetest,” you say. “He’s like a teddy bear. Don’t be scared.” But my son is scared, and you telling him there’s nothing to be afraid of is like telling someone who is scared of heights to not be scared of heights.

To the unknown neighbor who let their dog take a dump on our front lawn and left it there, fuck you. To the couple who did pick up their dog’s poop and plopped the tied up bag into our trash can, fuck you, too. To every parent who has kids and a dog, and sees that we have kids and no dog and asks, “So when are you going to get a dog?” the answer is never. We like clean floors, traveling, and to be the house on Halloween that doesn’t terrify small children with a barking dog who jumps at the door as they approach. 

Some of you might say if I had a dog I would understand what all the fuss is about. I’m sure you’re right. When people are on the fence about kids I think how much they’re missing out because kids have and continue to make me an infinitely better person. I stopped drinking because I had kids. I stopped using Facebook and Instagram because I had kids. And every day, when I lose patience with my toddlers in a shockingly brief amount of time I am forced to sit with the awareness that I’m selfish, and often, I’d rather be writing than be with them. But I’m not going to tell those people that they should have kids.

I’m not saying I don’t like dogs. I like dogs the same way I like people. It depends. What I don’t like are owners who assume every person is a dog person, and that if you’re not a dog person then you must be a bad person. I just don’t want to pet your dog.

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Until next week,

Charlie

P.S. To this guy, who says the biggest problem with a dog-friendly office is that some people are allergic to dogs… dude, no. Some people just aren’t dog people.

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