You guys,
There’s a lot of concern for the Mom’s mental health after a baby is born.
Before we were discharged from the hospital the nurse made me aware of all my resources. A day later the pediatrician asked how I was feeling. When I told him good, he followed with, “Are you sure??”
I wonder about the correlation between postpartum depression or “baby blues” and plain old sleep deprivation. Because while I do feel good, I’ve still had moments of overwhelming sadness. Like the night I couldn’t put my 18-month-old son to bed because I had to feed our newborn daughter.
I haven’t been able to spend as much time with George and it’s made me feel guilty. Especially because when Sam and I arrived home after three days in the hospital, he had a full blown meltdown when he saw us. He didn’t want us to touch him. He hit me but then buried his face in my legs. He was clearly upset and confused and it broke my heart.
So I told Sam no matter what the schedule with Layla, I needed to put George to bed every night. That was our sacred time. But one night Layla was hungry during bedtime and Sam had no choice but to take over just as I was about to put on George’s pajamas.
I went downstairs and sat in my bedroom feeding Layla as tears streamed down my face. I was emotional. I knew I was being irrational. I knew I would spend time with George the next day, but in that moment I felt like I was letting him down and I was the worst Mom in the world.
When Sam came in the room a short time later I was still a blubbering mess. He stood next to me as I continued to cry. He nodded in understanding and made me feel like it was ok and normal to feel the way I felt.
I don’t have postpartum depression. I don’t even have the baby blues. But only getting two hours stretches of sleep at any one time coupled with my hormones being all over the place turns me into a person who just needs to be allowed to cry.
Essay of the Week
My very first guest post comes from my very first friend through the online course, Write of Passage: Adam Tank!
Adam and his wife Kelsey are foster parents. Did you just immediately think of the horrible Butkiss family from the acclaimed Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen film, It Takes Two?? Because that’s the stereotype that came to mind for me.
But that is not what a lot of foster parents are like. Many are like Adam and Kelsey, who just want to provide a safe and loving space for kids who are passing through. Since I wanted to learn more about the process, I asked Adam to share his story.
Check out Adam on his website, Twitter, LinkedIn, or subscribe to his newsletter.
Without further ado, Adam’s essay:
The Occasional Parents
By Adam Tank
My wife and I are in our 30’s. When we meet people for the first time, and after a bit of small talk about our jobs or hobbies, the conversation inevitably leads down a path like this:
Them: “Do you have kids?”
Us: “Sometimes. We’re foster parents.”
Them: “So you do have kids?”
Us: “Yeah, we do. Sometimes.”
Them: “Huh?”
Us: “We had a six year old girl last weekend. We’ll have a 14 year old boy next.”
Them: “So you don’t know how long you’ll have them?”
Us: “Most of the time it’s just for a few days, maybe a weekend or a little longer. We actually do something called respite care, which is a bit like babysitting for foster parents who need a temporary break.”
Them: “I didn’t even know that was a thing!”
Us: “You should check it out! There are over 400,000 children currently in foster care in the U.S., and they all need safe, loving places to go when their foster parents require respite. There are also ways to help kids who are aging out of the system, need help making decisions while in college, or just mentorship.”
ANYONE can help - including you, fellow readers. These kids, through no fault of their own, have ended up in a nearly unimaginable situation… a situation where family members don’t want to care for them and many have been severely neglected, abused, and traumatized since birth.
______________________
Before my wife and I got married we had extensive conversations on our desire to have a family - biological or otherwise. Neither of us felt strongly about having a child with our own genetics, but we both knew we wanted to play a role in children’s lives and help raise the next generation into happy, healthy adults.
We knew that private adoption was an option, but the more we learned the more we felt drawn to foster care. The need for foster homes and loving parents, is, sadly, tremendous… and the outcomes for kids who are never placed in a permanent home and ‘age out’ of the system are abysmal:
More than 23,000 children will age out of the US foster care system every year.
After reaching the age of 18, 20% of the children who were in foster care will become instantly homeless.
Only 1 out of every 2 kids who age out of the foster care system will have some form of gainful employment by the age of 24.
There is less than a 3% chance for children who have aged out of foster care to earn a college degree at any point in their life.
7 out of 10 girls who age out of the foster care system will become pregnant before the age of 21.
The percentage of children who age out of the foster care system and still suffer from the direct effects of PTSD: 25%.
Further, the rates of addiction, incarceration, and suicide for former foster youth are much higher than the general population.
Learning all of this, we felt compelled to act and took the plunge in mid 2020. We signed up for classes to obtain our foster care license, prepped our house, went through extensive background checks, and discussed our decision with family and friends.
_____________________
We had our first respite placement in January of 2021 - a six year old girl we’ll call Summer. Despite a background of severe neglect, sexual abuse, and in and out of mulitple foster homes, she was an energetic ball of smiling toothiness.
For a child who had been through hell and back to be so resilient and joyful was remarkable. My wife and I instantly felt connected to her and judiciously played the role of ‘parents’ for a few days. Trips to the museum, at-home kindergarten, bedtime stories… and of course handling a few tantrums, tears, and tirades - one of which happened because of a misunderstanding on how much time we allotted her to complete her small Frozen puzzle after dinner. :)
We’ve had multiple placements since Summer, and each child brings their own unique dynamic to our house, even for just a few days. My wife and I feel our role in the foster system is the best of all worlds - it allows us to fill a need for existing foster parents, and also provide a welcome home for foster youth.
We have the best ‘parent’ role in the world - we get to let kids be kids.
And they remind us of the joys of being a kid, too.
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Until next week,
Charlie