Transparent Tuesdays

Issue 153

You guys,

I wrote a product review. Here goes…

The ChefWave Milkmade Non-Dairy Milk Maker: 

Our best purchase of the year! 5 Stars! ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

It was my husband’s idea. I wanted nothing to do with a nut milk maker. What is this thing even called? ChefWave Milkmade Non-Dairy Milk Maker. Wow, Chefwave. Thank you for the guarantee that no one will ever call this product by its correct name.

Here’s a list of why I would NOT have purchased the ChefWave Milkmade Non-Dairy Milk Maker:

1. There’s no way it would taste good. Just mix nuts with water?? Gross. 

2. It would be too complicated to use and clean. I don’t want to work for my cup of coffee in the morning.  

3. Way too expensive. 250 bucks?? Get outta here. 

4. ANOTHER appliance on our countertop?! I said yes to the Breville toaster monstrosity. Which, fine, it’s the best toaster I’ve ever had. But we also have the Baby Brezza formula-maker eye sore AND a bottle warmer using up precious counter prep space. How is a person supposed to chop vegetables around here??

5. This is a fad. Some health kick that Sam is into right now and will quickly forget about in two months, like chia pudding and frozen sorbet. THOSE were really good ideas too, let me tell ya. 

I kept most of this to myself because my husband was really excited about it, and decided to encourage the purchase until we both experienced just how terrible of a purchase it was. Then I could place full blame on Sam. 

So it is with great shock and absolute delight to report that this ridiculous machine was our best purchase of the year. 

Let me address my 5 points listed above:

1. TASTE. That first sip of home-brewed coffee with a gulping pour of Oatly oat milk was the best part of my morning. It tasted like energized hope. Then a recall forced me to question my ingestion of it. So in an effort to take care of my body and eat real, whole foods, at least some of the time, I tasted our first batch of cashew milk. I’m not going to say it blew my mind, but it tasted good, and it felt good to be putting something good into my body. And, bonus, my 2-year-old who has a milk intolerance? He loved it. 

2. TOO COMPLICATED. This is the easiest thing to use and clean. Here’s what you do: fill up the water compartment, pour in some nuts, press start. When it finishes making the milk, it SELF-CLEANS. Seriously, the only thing you have to wash is the glass pitcher after you finish your milk. EASIEST THING EVER!

3. TOO EXPENSIVE. We make, on average, three 20oz pitchers of cashew milk a day. We also make almond milk for our 1-year-old. The only thing we have to buy are the nuts, and it takes a very small amount of nuts, 2-3 Tbls, to make 20oz of liquid. Eventually, this machine will pay for itself.

4. EYE SORE. You know what, maybe when we looked at the more expensive house down the street that had three kitchen sinks and we said, “Who needs three kitchen sinks?” we should have realized that three kitchen sinks would have been fucking awesome. And so would more counter space. That’s on us. 

5. A FAD. How long do fads last? We have been using this machine every day, multiple times a day, for six months. This is no fad. This machine is here to stay, right next to our Breville toaster oven.

If you love(d) Oatly but can longer in good conscience drink it, or if you want to drink an ACTUALLY healthy alternative milk that tastes good, or if you want a nut milk maker that is super easy to use and clean, buy the CWMNDMM. That’s right, you read that ridiculous acronym correctly. Did you forget the name of the product, too? Let me scroll up and copy it for you:

It’s the ChefWave Milkmade Non-Dairy Milk Maker.

And finally, shoutout to Sam. You are a genius and I love you and I love our nut milk maker.

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Until next week,

Charlie