You guys,
I have bad dreams every night.
They’re not so bad I’d call them nightmares, but I never want to be in them because they induce anxiety. Sometimes I’m waitressing and can’t keep up with my tables, or I’m late to a field hockey game and forgot my mouth guard. Most recently (and vividly) my mom told me about an entry-level job opening and when I told her, “I don’t need a job, I’m a writer,” she said, “You are??” And I responded petulantly, “I have 300 newsletter subscribers and over 800 followers on Twitter, thank you very much!”
…I’m even cringing now at the way I acted and it wasn’t real!
These dreams cause lots of tossing and turning and waking and looking at my bedside clock. I like to blame pregnancy and being too hot and eating too much ice cream too close to bedtime, but I fear it’s something deeper than that.
Six years ago I dated a guy who I thought I was going to marry. Not until after we broke up did I realize he was manipulative and narcissistic. Since then I have an irrational fear that he is going to come find me and kill me and my family. At night I imagine him lurking outside our home with a gun. It’s not every night but it’s frequent enough that it concerns me. Could this be the cause of my bad dreams?
Maybe.
But I’ve been a bad sleeper since my middle school days. I used to beg my older sister to tell me bedtime stories to help me fall asleep, because even as a little girl my mind was racing and I wanted something happy to distract me. Eventually my sister would drift off to dreamland and I’d be left there alone, listening to the sounds of a quiet house and my thoughts.
I’ve been on a mission the past two years to sleep better, mostly through healthy(ish) living and an EightSleep mattress pad on our adjustable bed frame. Anything for a good night’s sleep!
But nothing seems to work. And I can’t remember the last time I had a good dream.
I wonder if my psychopath ex had a traumatic impact on me, or if this is just the way I am.
Essay Of The Week
My Dad works long hours, has no friends, and drinks too much.
I thought he lived an unfulfilled life.
But recently I started to realize the man is never stressed out or angry or unhappy. Maybe he actually has life figured out.
So I wrote about the counter-intuitive wisdom of my Dad, Chaz.
Happy Birthday
My neighbor turned 40. And the whole block knew it.
As if the trend of enormous signs on the lawn for children’s birthdays wasn’t tacky enough. Now people are putting them up for adults and even the changing of seasons.
This is right up there on my “Why???” list with inflatable holiday decorations and gender reveal parties.
I hate stupid trends. Unless it’s matching Christmas family pajamas. I already purchased ours and they’re adorable.
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Until next week,
Charlie