It may be worthwhile to explore things you have been selfless and selfish about. Not to intellectualize everything, but I do think you have been relatively selfless with your time with strangers. Or maybe that’s always had an ulterior motive (which is fine).
I don’t know…from my little window into Charlie, I am not sure whether you are an unabashedly selfish person, or can be selfish about certain things. It seems pedantic, but that distinction matters to me.
Just here to bask in the nostalgia of Hi Ho Cherry-O and say I had no idea that game still existed and also thanks for such a tough, honest post! I enjoyed this one a lot!
Hey 'Charlie', always enjoy reading your newsletter :)
Another newsletter I subscribe to referenced memoir in the last week and I thought you might be interested. Apologies if you are already across it, or it isn't what you are after.
Thanks so much, Kristin! Sometimes I just sit and think about the things I don't like about myself, and it makes me feel terrible, but sharing it here, and getting comments like yours, makes it feel good to be honest.
Selfishness is the first step towards honesty that many are unwilling to take. How people handle the conflict that ensues when both people advocate for their own needs, however…
Ok, massive unsolicited advice time (this is my area of expertise so I’m gonna be annoying):
Have you heard of nonviolent communication? The idea is that you get to say exactly how things make you feel (“when you asked me to massage your legs I felt frustrated since I need a break too”) AND request things of others (“can you tell me how you feel when I say that”) without demanding anything of them.
In this case, I’d say it’s actually a bit more on Sam to tell YOU how he feels, rather than him going silent and implicitly shaming you for your behavior (but you could open the door by asking). The important part is that if you’re saying how you feel, it’s an emotion, not a verb. E.g. “I felt happy/sad/scared/angry”, NOT “I felt disrespected”. It’s an important distinction; the idea is to name your internal state, not to blame (narrate what THEY were doing).
Finally, once you know what emotions he is feeling and he knows what emotions you are feeling, you can each notice what you’re genuinely willing to do, and name that. For example, if you are too tired at the end of the day to give a leg massage, you have the right to name that and own it. AND, if he’s upset by that and wants some alone time, or wants to do XYZ, or has another request of you, HE has the right to name and own that. The crucial distinction is that he is fully in his right to own his desire, BUT it doesn’t require you to do or be anything different. No blame, just emotions and underlying needs (“I’m sad and need to feel like you care about me”).
So the jist is that you both get to be responsible for your own needs, without demanding anything from the other person (making them feel bad for not doing what you want).
In this way, he gets what he wants (permission to say exactly how he feels without worrying it’ll make you feel bad) and you get what you want (freedom from being constrained by his desires).
Does that make sense?
(Obviously he still wants a leg massage, but that’s a challenge for another day. First step is to engage open communication without shame).
Haha I'll take the unsolicited advice, Adam! I've never heard of nonviolent communication. It sounds great and very mature and much easier in theory than in practice, but definitely something I'm striving towards. Appreciate you sharing!
Jeepers creepers. I must confess, I’m a selfish middle child too Charlie. I hated that cheerio game like the Dickens.
I read somewhere recently about how being selfish is ultimately selfless. It sounds nice but I still don’t buy it. I know when others call me selfish, they’re selfish by merely calling me selfish, but it’s the internal dialogue I hate that makes me feel selfish. That I’m not kind enough and put myself first all the time, but if I don’t no one else will… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
It may be worthwhile to explore things you have been selfless and selfish about. Not to intellectualize everything, but I do think you have been relatively selfless with your time with strangers. Or maybe that’s always had an ulterior motive (which is fine).
I don’t know…from my little window into Charlie, I am not sure whether you are an unabashedly selfish person, or can be selfish about certain things. It seems pedantic, but that distinction matters to me.
I think you're right, Camilo, I'm definitely selfish about certain things. But overall I lean more selfish than not.
When it comes to giving my time to strangers that is not selfless because it gives me a lot of energy. I get a lot out of those exchanges. I enjoy it.
It's an interesting exercise, to think about what I've been selfless about. .. Not something I think about often!
Your unflinching honesty never ceases to impress. I think the world would be a better place if we could all see ourselves so clearly, flaws and all ◡̈
Ah thank you thank you, Rachel.
Just here to bask in the nostalgia of Hi Ho Cherry-O and say I had no idea that game still existed and also thanks for such a tough, honest post! I enjoyed this one a lot!
It shouldn't exist, Emily.
And thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
The cherries can go "missing". And being selfish is a powerful tool, but like you I struggle not to use it for evil. 👹
Ahahaha Annabel don't think I haven't already thought about letting my kids lose the cherries!
I didn't think of selfishness as a tool but it's true. It's not always a bad thing.
Hey 'Charlie', always enjoy reading your newsletter :)
Another newsletter I subscribe to referenced memoir in the last week and I thought you might be interested. Apologies if you are already across it, or it isn't what you are after.
https://2ndbreakfast.audreywatters.com/grief-and-trauma-and-ai/?ref=second-breakfast-newsletter
Cheers Danny.
Danny! It's been too long. I'm not familiar with Audrey but love to connect with fellow memoir snobs. :) Thank you so much for the rec!
♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
Thanks for your honesty in this post. I struggle with this, too; I wish I could be honest about it with others. I really admire you!
Thanks so much, Kristin! Sometimes I just sit and think about the things I don't like about myself, and it makes me feel terrible, but sharing it here, and getting comments like yours, makes it feel good to be honest.
Selfishness is the first step towards honesty that many are unwilling to take. How people handle the conflict that ensues when both people advocate for their own needs, however…
I've been on the first step for a while though...
Ok, massive unsolicited advice time (this is my area of expertise so I’m gonna be annoying):
Have you heard of nonviolent communication? The idea is that you get to say exactly how things make you feel (“when you asked me to massage your legs I felt frustrated since I need a break too”) AND request things of others (“can you tell me how you feel when I say that”) without demanding anything of them.
In this case, I’d say it’s actually a bit more on Sam to tell YOU how he feels, rather than him going silent and implicitly shaming you for your behavior (but you could open the door by asking). The important part is that if you’re saying how you feel, it’s an emotion, not a verb. E.g. “I felt happy/sad/scared/angry”, NOT “I felt disrespected”. It’s an important distinction; the idea is to name your internal state, not to blame (narrate what THEY were doing).
Finally, once you know what emotions he is feeling and he knows what emotions you are feeling, you can each notice what you’re genuinely willing to do, and name that. For example, if you are too tired at the end of the day to give a leg massage, you have the right to name that and own it. AND, if he’s upset by that and wants some alone time, or wants to do XYZ, or has another request of you, HE has the right to name and own that. The crucial distinction is that he is fully in his right to own his desire, BUT it doesn’t require you to do or be anything different. No blame, just emotions and underlying needs (“I’m sad and need to feel like you care about me”).
So the jist is that you both get to be responsible for your own needs, without demanding anything from the other person (making them feel bad for not doing what you want).
In this way, he gets what he wants (permission to say exactly how he feels without worrying it’ll make you feel bad) and you get what you want (freedom from being constrained by his desires).
Does that make sense?
(Obviously he still wants a leg massage, but that’s a challenge for another day. First step is to engage open communication without shame).
Haha I'll take the unsolicited advice, Adam! I've never heard of nonviolent communication. It sounds great and very mature and much easier in theory than in practice, but definitely something I'm striving towards. Appreciate you sharing!
:D
Good luck!!
Jeepers creepers. I must confess, I’m a selfish middle child too Charlie. I hated that cheerio game like the Dickens.
I read somewhere recently about how being selfish is ultimately selfless. It sounds nice but I still don’t buy it. I know when others call me selfish, they’re selfish by merely calling me selfish, but it’s the internal dialogue I hate that makes me feel selfish. That I’m not kind enough and put myself first all the time, but if I don’t no one else will… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Hating something "like the Dickens" is a great phrase lol.
I feel you, Jen!!