Transparent Tuesdays

Issue 150

You guys,

Yesterday, I dropped Layla off for her first day of daycare.

I debated sending a picture to my family text thread because I didn’t want to feel judged. Here’s what I imagined my mom and sisters thinking:

Why are they sending Layla to daycare already? Layla’s only 1 year old and Charlie doesn’t have a job. What the heck is she doing with her days that she doesn’t want to spend time with her kids??

It’s not just my family I fear is judging me. It’s anyone. I find myself over-explaining why we decided to send Layla to daycare: 

It will be great for her social skills and growth to be around other kids her age. I’ll have more time to write. I haven’t worked out in three years so I’m hoping to start up again! We’ll drop off both kids late in the morning and pick them up early in the evening so I’ll still be spending a lot of time with them, I swear!!

If I had a full-time job or a part-time job or literally anything that brought in money, I wouldn’t feel the need to explain myself. But because I don’t make any money I feel like I’m expected to be a full-time mom. 

I watched the Selena Gomez documentary and was struck by a moment when the superstar broke down crying about what she wanted out of life.

“The only thing I want is a family. I just wanna be like, a mom. I’ve wanted to quit sometimes so I could just be happy and be normal like everybody else.” 

If Gomez gave up her career and married the most wonderful partner and had her wish of finally becoming a mom and being “normal,” would she really be happy? My guess is no fucking way. Singing and performing is what makes her come alive. Having a family and being a mom might be a piece of the puzzle, but it’s only one piece.  

I need to do all the things that fill me up. That includes writing, creating, parenting, partnering, and physically moving my body. When one of those things is absent I don’t feel whole. 

I’m not talking about work-life balance. Sam and I are on the same page about the benefits of daycare and how it’s better for all of us for our kids to attend. Even though we think about it the same way, we feel about it differently. 

I’m talking about mom guilt. 

Ten years from now will I look back and think, what the heck was I doing? Why didn’t I spend every ounce of time with my babies while I still could? Am I a bad mom? 

My friend Michael and his wife, veteran parents of 2 teenagers, were advised by an early development childhood specialist to aim for six 10-minute high quality sessions with your kids per day because that’s all the time a diaper-aged kid’s attention span will support. 

It’s not that I plan to spend only six 10-minute sessions with my kids per day. The point is that when I DO spend time with them it should be quality time. That simply means to be present with them, as opposed to cleaning the kitchen, folding laundry, scrolling Twitter, and thinking of everything I should be doing in that moment other than just be with my kids.

When I’m at home with my kids all day, I’m not present. I’m distracted and flustered and impatient and drained. 

My rational brain tells me I’m a good mom and I’ve made the right decision. But the mom guilt still exists, even if it’s fleeting. 

I hit send on the photo of Layla at daycare. 

My mom was the first to reply:

Noooo! She’s just a baby (followed by a bunch of emojis to make this seem like it’s a light-hearted and funny comment).

I responded:

I know. She’s never even worn shoes before.

—

Until next week,

Charlie