Charlie - I always want to reach through Substack and hug you after reading your essays.
HUG
ANOTHER HUG
Your stories are so raw, and vulnerable, and serving to your readers.
Sam is wise - the “compound interest” we learn about in finance is what I think of as “compound choices” in life. And I think the most important choices we make in life are the thoughts we tell ourselves. And the tenderness we have with ourselves.
Until about the age of 40 I ran an internal monologue of beating myself up, for _____, (fill in the blank) not being good enough at _____. Like being too fat, not achieving enough, etc. I would shame myself, tell myself I was unworthy, and use the shame to push myself to achieve and accomplish more. It was exhausting. The choice to talk to myself that way compounded invisibly until it broke me.
And then, I can’t recall the incident or the reason, but I made a choice to love myself, no matter what, in spite of evidence (that I would make up by the way) to the contrary. And slowly and invisibly at first, the choice to love, and be compassionate with myself, began to compound in the other direction. Somewhere along the way, being kind to myself and loving myself became a way of being, and that way of being extended to the way I am with the world around me. (Hat tip to Sam again - it wasn’t a straight line but it was a snowball rolling in the right direction).
Most importantly being kind and gentle with myself has made me a better father and role model to my kids. I WOULD NEVER want them or wish upon them the internal compounding of a negative and shameful monologue.
Thank you again for the insights and learning your writing provokes for us.
James, I will take all the hugs! The whole notion of using shame and unworthiness to accomplish more is all too familiar. Mental toughness, negative reinforcement... I always thought I thrived under those conditions. But, like you, I eventually broke. Maybe you can't remember the incident because the change was so slow, so imperceptible, that you can only see the change looking back, and over a long period of time. There were probably tiny changes you made, that if you pinpointed them would feel inconsequential, but lots of tiny changes can turn a snowflake into an avalanche.
Thank you for sharing what resonated in such a personal way!
This is the moment that jumps out at me, where you confide in your partner the truth and your partner supports you in kind with more truth, that you and life are workable, that the truth is workable. I can't think of a more important context to stand upon in a marriage.
"I didn’t want to tell him and in the next second had to. I called and confessed. I expected to be met with disappointment but Sam said, “Babe, it’s okay. Some nights you’ll be able to do it and some nights you won’t. This isn’t going to be a straight line. Don’t beat yourself up.”
I love that you binged "Stranger Things" because that show is FUCKING AWESOME! Are you looking forward to the final season? On the other end of your wine spectrum, I come from a non-drinking family. My parents used to have a lot of parties when I was younger and had a bar in our house for such occasions. But they themselves never drank. I didn't start liking wine until about 2012 when a fellow co-worker introduced me to Moscato Rivata. I can now only drink dessert wines that resemble Martinelli's Sparkling cider. LOL But even then, it can't be much. Like, less then half a glass. A "shot", if you will. LOL It makes me sleepy. And I can't do red. It gives me a headache. LOL Still love Moscato Rivata, but now I'm partial to Stella Rosa Peach. Both the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic version.
Charlie - I always want to reach through Substack and hug you after reading your essays.
HUG
ANOTHER HUG
Your stories are so raw, and vulnerable, and serving to your readers.
Sam is wise - the “compound interest” we learn about in finance is what I think of as “compound choices” in life. And I think the most important choices we make in life are the thoughts we tell ourselves. And the tenderness we have with ourselves.
Until about the age of 40 I ran an internal monologue of beating myself up, for _____, (fill in the blank) not being good enough at _____. Like being too fat, not achieving enough, etc. I would shame myself, tell myself I was unworthy, and use the shame to push myself to achieve and accomplish more. It was exhausting. The choice to talk to myself that way compounded invisibly until it broke me.
And then, I can’t recall the incident or the reason, but I made a choice to love myself, no matter what, in spite of evidence (that I would make up by the way) to the contrary. And slowly and invisibly at first, the choice to love, and be compassionate with myself, began to compound in the other direction. Somewhere along the way, being kind to myself and loving myself became a way of being, and that way of being extended to the way I am with the world around me. (Hat tip to Sam again - it wasn’t a straight line but it was a snowball rolling in the right direction).
Most importantly being kind and gentle with myself has made me a better father and role model to my kids. I WOULD NEVER want them or wish upon them the internal compounding of a negative and shameful monologue.
Thank you again for the insights and learning your writing provokes for us.
(And thanks for reading this long comment!)
James, I will take all the hugs! The whole notion of using shame and unworthiness to accomplish more is all too familiar. Mental toughness, negative reinforcement... I always thought I thrived under those conditions. But, like you, I eventually broke. Maybe you can't remember the incident because the change was so slow, so imperceptible, that you can only see the change looking back, and over a long period of time. There were probably tiny changes you made, that if you pinpointed them would feel inconsequential, but lots of tiny changes can turn a snowflake into an avalanche.
Thank you for sharing what resonated in such a personal way!
This is the moment that jumps out at me, where you confide in your partner the truth and your partner supports you in kind with more truth, that you and life are workable, that the truth is workable. I can't think of a more important context to stand upon in a marriage.
"I didn’t want to tell him and in the next second had to. I called and confessed. I expected to be met with disappointment but Sam said, “Babe, it’s okay. Some nights you’ll be able to do it and some nights you won’t. This isn’t going to be a straight line. Don’t beat yourself up.”
How lucky are we in this life to find the person who can do this for us? Sam's kind and supportive voice eventually became my own.
100%!
I love that you binged "Stranger Things" because that show is FUCKING AWESOME! Are you looking forward to the final season? On the other end of your wine spectrum, I come from a non-drinking family. My parents used to have a lot of parties when I was younger and had a bar in our house for such occasions. But they themselves never drank. I didn't start liking wine until about 2012 when a fellow co-worker introduced me to Moscato Rivata. I can now only drink dessert wines that resemble Martinelli's Sparkling cider. LOL But even then, it can't be much. Like, less then half a glass. A "shot", if you will. LOL It makes me sleepy. And I can't do red. It gives me a headache. LOL Still love Moscato Rivata, but now I'm partial to Stella Rosa Peach. Both the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic version.