Transparent Tuesdays

Issue 168

You guys,

Memories are not truth, not even close. 

I crushed on a guy in college and for years after referred to him as “a total dick.” The way I remembered it, Jake led me on. We started as friends even though I always wanted more. He called me Kid, which should have been the dead giveaway I was friendzoned, but no, I thought it was sweet and special and god I was stupid. 

And then finally, after months as buddies, we kissed. I thought it meant things were going in that direction, that eventually, hopefully, we’d become girlfriend/boyfriend. But then he hooked up with some skinny sorority girl and like the next day they were official. 

I recently found a copy of our final AOL instant messenger conversation and I seriously have no idea why I printed this out and saved it. Maybe I felt like he was clearly an asshole, and I was the innocent, wronged, and virtually right person in this scenario. And I wanted a copy for my records. (???)

So I opened up the three pages of text and read with a hot face. I thought, OK, if this is how it’s making me feel to read this, I have to share it in the newsletter. But then I shared it with Sam. He got the popcorn ready, eager to dig into my shameful past, but was underwhelmed by the exchange. The whole thing was anticlimactic. Jake and I were apparently “too mature.” 

Here’s a quick snippet. I’m Baconbits13 (don’t ask) and Jake is JC23 (which I’ve changed to protect his identity, I suppose):

JC23: if you want to hate me and never be my friend then aight ill get over it

JC23: but ur friendship means more to me than actually hooking up with you

Baconbits13: listen jake whether you meant to or not….. you hurt me

JC23: i understand that and i am sorry

JC23: but ur friendship to me means more than anything at this point

Baconbits13: its just hard to be friends with you right now when i feel like this around you

Baconbits13: i dont know how to act

JC23: i know but if we dont talk about it then we will always not talk to each other

Probably the most embarrassing thing here is my use of five periods before the dramatic, “you hurt me.”  So why was I sweating and covering my face with my hand as if I couldn’t possibly read another word? 

It’s because of what happened in the aftermath. I not only never spoke to Jake again, I made it my mission to ignore him at parties, on campus, in the dining hall, everywhere. I treated him with either indifference or disdain for the rest of our college years. Jake was on the receiving end of many dirty looks, eye rolls, and death stares, and I wasn’t subtle about any of it.

Sure, Jake messed with my head, and I don’t know who he was kidding trying to rationalize the whole “best friends who hook up here and there” angle, but he also apologized multiple times. And besides, we were in college!

When I found this little time capsule folded in half and tucked into an old red notebook with a Gryffindor emblem on its cover, I had a story in my head about Jake Connor, one in which he was the bad guy. After I read the exchange I softened my stance. I didn’t need to be friends with Jake after what happened, but I didn’t need to react with so much hostility, either. I wonder how Jake feels after all these years. Does he think of me as “a total bitch”?

It reminds me of the show, The Affair. The first half of the episode follows the story from one character’s perspective. The second half of the episode goes back to the beginning and follows the same story again, this time from a different character’s perspective. There are always differences in the story. Which version is the truth? I used to pick. I’d say, Oh he’s lying, or he doesn’t remember, and her version is definitely what really happened. But now I realize neither version is the truth, it’s just the way that person remembers it, and the way we remember things is always subjective. 

So even with this recorded, official document in my hands I still don’t have a picture of the full truth. This was one 20-minute sliver carved from a year of being in each other’s lives. 

All I can do is recount my memories as I remember them. These are not life facts. They’re life stories, and they’re subject to change.

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Bleecker Bombs

A new podcast episode is out!

I explored a David-Senra-style format this week and dove deep on the memoir I just finished reading: Wild by Cheryl Strayed.

Listen to the episode on overcast.fm, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or Google Podcasts.

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Until next week,

Charlie