You guys,
Our nanny was becoming unreliable. Her every-once-in-a-while lateness started to become expected, she stopped responding to texts without a follow-up, and twice she flaked completely.
Today she wasn’t on time. With each passing minute I wondered if Bella was going to show up at all. Eight minutes past her start time I texted, “Almost here??”
She showed up 45 minutes late, so for 45 minutes I stewed. I prepared myself for a hard conversation. Something had to be said. But as she walked through the door I changed my mind. Now wasn’t the time, not in front of the kids.
At the end of her shift, Bella was in the kitchen cleaning up while the kids napped. I confirmed some upcoming dates and quite suddenly realized I was going to go for it. I was going to initiate a hard conversation.
Initiating a hard conversation is like jumping off the high dive. When you imagine it in your head, you think, That’s gonna be scary, but I can do it. Then when you’re actually up there, about to jump, you think, How did I ever think this was a good idea? This is the moment you either go for it or climb back down the ladder. If you climb back down the ladder, all you can think about is how you didn’t jump, and when you’re actually going to jump, and you carry those nerves with you until you finally follow through with it. If you do go for it, you’re jumping into the unknown. Will this be fun? Painful? Thrilling? You don’t know.
I didn’t anticipate getting choked up. Apparently, initiating a hard conversation evokes tears. Awesome.
I paused, collected myself, and said, “Ummm.”
Thankfully, Bella was in tune with whatever was happening for me, as if on high alert. She asked, “What is it?”
I said, with a nervous smile on my face, “I need to have a hard conversation.”
The look on Bella’s face was like when someone says, “I have to tell you something,” and then you think of all the worst possible things it could be.
I went on, “Well, first of all, you know we love you. And we love how you are with the kids. And I hope you’re in our lives forever.”
It’s true. I adore Bella. We’ve had three nannies who came into our lives and left an impact. What they all had in common was an empathy for kids and an individual way of being that has made me want to be a better parent. I recently thought that if Sam and I died while the kids were young, I would hope Heather, Rachel, and Bella would all make themselves a part of our kids’ lives, forever. I suppose it would be morbid to tell them that. Maybe I should update our will…
Bella looked at me expectantly. Here came the hard part.
“I don’t like feeling like I don’t know when you’re going to get here, or if you’re even going to show up.”
Bella sighed with recognition. Whether or not she knew where this was going, there seemed to be relief to have whatever it was spoken out loud. She was immediately apologetic and admitted to being forgetful lately.
I told her it was okay. It was. Her response allowed me to feel comfortable to say more.
“I’m not mad. But if it kept happening and I didn’t say anything, then I would get frustrated.”
Bella nodded. I think about when I was 19 years old, if my boss said this to me, I would have been embarrassed, probably avoided eye contact, and wanted to get the hell out of there. Bella took it in stride, and we both opened up to each other. It was no longer a hard conversation—it was just a real one.
When Bella left, I ran a victory lap into Sam’s office. I felt light and carefree. I felt closer to Bella. I felt no resentment about her previous behavior.
When you jump off the high dive lots of things can happen when you hit the water. You could smack it, hard, so it stings. Or you might slip right through the coldness, which feels glorious on this hot day. No matter what happens, YOU DID IT, and you celebrate. You emerge from the water with a smile on your face, swim to the ladder, and climb out. You did the thing. Are you going to climb right back up and do it again? Maybe not. Maybe jumping off the high dive will be scary every time.
But now you know you can do it.
Bleecker Bombs
It’s here! My deep dive on The Tender Bar by J.R. Moehringer. I loved this beautiful book about a bar.
Listen to the episode on overcast.fm, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or Google Podcasts.
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Until next week,
Charlie
Love the analogy of the high dive and doing hard things.
And, there is nothing worse than climbing back down without jumping.
I so loved the telling of two humans having an instinct - and connection - in the moment a conversation starts.