Transparent Tuesdays

Issue 160

You guys,

I looked over and saw my mom and sisters sitting on the couch sipping vodka martinis. 

The image jolted me. What was once a fun and happy image was now sad and depressing. Not only had my relationship with alcohol changed, so had my relationship with my family. 

I still drink but only on rare occasions, like this Jersey visit with my parents and 36-year-old twin sisters. I sipped from a glass of red wine and observed my family. Mom smiled and seemed to melt into the couch. Stephanie’s energy perked up, her cheeks flushed. Jessica engaged in conversation rather than staring at her phone. 

Earlier that day, Jessica lashed out at me after I mentioned I used her shampoo. 

“Why are you using my shampoo?!”

The question spat out of her mouth and caught me off guard. 

To simply recount Jessica’s response — that the shampoo was expensive, and “Why couldn’t you use Stephanie’s?” — would not accurately capture the anger and disgust with which she said it. 

I have never packed my own shampoo when visiting family, so I used the one that was open and accessible. I did not know or think it would be an issue. 

My response to Jessica’s outburst was some variation of, Uhhh are you serious? And then a half-hearted attempt to listen to my mom as she changed the subject. I watched Mom’s lips move but could only feel heat through my face as I thought, WHAT THE FUCK.

In moments when I’m triggered and revert back to a past self who rivals my sister’s defensiveness and indignation, I’m unable to see what’s so clearly in front of me. Jessica is unhappy. And one way she tries to escape that unhappiness is through alcohol, which just so happens to be every night with my parents and sister. 

My childhood home is an eerie, static image of the past. Nothing has changed. Except everyone is older, hardened.

I took a mental screenshot of my mom and sisters on the couch, their legs elevated in the reclined position, their hands wrapped around thin, glass stems. I was them not too long ago. I looked forward to my wine every night. It welcomed me with warmth, comfort, and love. Life was hard, but at least I had this. 

I took another sip of wine. It didn’t taste very good. I thought about how crappy my sleep would be that night, and switched to water. 

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Bleecker Bombs

A new podcast episode is out! 

Sam and I react to the recent Tim Ferriss interview with CEO Coach Matt Mochary. But mostly I find myself really annoying because I say “anddddd” all the time and laugh at everything.

Listen to the episode on overcast.fm, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or Google Podcasts.

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Until next week,

Charlie